4 Red flags to look for when dating…
The Love Workz is coaching that promotes using preventative methods while intentionally dating. When I say intentionally dating, I mean that you are dating with the purpose to share your life with someone, fall in real love, and find your lifelong partner. However, a lot of times we forget that this requires a little strategy. Without a plan, you end up in a bunch of failed relationships wondering what happened and what you or the other person did wrong. You feel like you have wasted so much time and energy that you fear seriously pursuing another relationship. Unfortunately, that creates some baggage that you may subconsciously carry over to the next relationship once you get the courage to even start another one. Well, this is where preventative methods when dating are imperative!!
One preventative method is knowing some of those red flags to help you use your time more wisely and keep you from more hurt and pain. We could all think up a plethora of red flags. However, here are a few red flags to consider when dating. I know for a fact that recognizing these 4 things will save you lots of time, money, and energy.
1. Lies about small things
Ever date someone that seems to always tell a little white lie about something? This is a red flag for obvious reasons! This person is use to lying and will more than likely lie about something bigger. A person like this cannot be trusted. A person should be as honest as possible to you from the beginning because trust is earned over time. There is no way to get comfortable with someone that you have caught in a lie. Believe what people show you, not what they tell you.
Remember: A liar is called a liar because he or she was caught in a lie and there are significantly more liars in the word than there are great actors. Again, believe what they show you!!
2. Doesn’t seem that interested in YOU
Story time: Years ago, my freshmen year of college, I had a crush on one of the university’s star basketball players. I would go to basketball games for two reasons: to watch the game and mostly to watch him! One day, I bumped into him waiting at the bus stop!! Dream come true…he stops me, we chat for a split second, he asks for my number, and of course, I gave it to him!! I walked back to my dorm smiling like the Kool aid man and feeling quite giddy inside. However, something dawn on me after that interaction. Homeboy NEVER asked for my name! RED FLAG RED FLAG! ALERT ALERT! He texts me “Hey this is *blank*”. I never responded to that text and he never texted again! Needless to say, that went absolutely no where!!
Here’s the point in that story. He wasn’t actually interested in me. He may have had an agenda that was not aligned with mine. One may say, but Keisha how do you know that? Simple. He never asked for my name. If I had entertained him, I would bet money that I would have wasted at least 3 months trying to dodge hanging out with him in his dorm room only for him to get a quick fix and move on.
I know that may sound like a rather premature move, but it was a strategic move. We must recognize when we are apart of a quick fix or a meaningful interaction that could turn into more. If he wanted more with me, he would have cared about who I was, i.e. My name! He would have asked for my name either when we met at the bus stop or when he texted.
Now that story is mine and rather specific, but I want you to understand that you must see the signs before you get too involved. The deeper you get involved, the harder it will be to get out. If a guy is truly into you, he will inquire more about you, specifically. He would want to know your name when you first meet. He will be engaged and present when getting to know you.
I am not saying that you should respond the same way I did. I am simply saying that it something to think about when continuing the pursuit of a potential mate.
“We must recognize when we are apart of a quick fix or a meaningful interaction that could turn into more.”
-Coach K.
3. Refers to sex too often
Not that sex should never be mentioned, but there should be a threshold. This threshold is created and governed by you. One thing that I have noticed is that when you allow sex to infiltrate too much of your conversation, you diminish the value of the potential relationship’s foundational structure. Sex is a powerful thing, in most cases, and has led to a lot of hurt and pain. We must take that seriously.
Too often we have allowed potential mates to sexualize us way too soon and it led us down a path of misunderstandings and unwanted pressure to move in that direction when you may have not been ready or it was too soon and now you live with shame, regret, and premature attachment!
When dating with intention, set your standards and live by them! Do not allow someone to devalue you by oversexualizing the conversations. You are worth more than a quick laugh to get you in the bedroom. Allow sexual tension to grow gradually so that the connection is real. Connect the minds and allow your shared stories, experiences, and intellect to lead you to sex that is mutually beneficial with no new expectations and requirements.
Remember this is a preventative method. It does not mean that you can’t have a great relationship when you allow a person to refer to sex too often. It simply means that it is something to look out for because it could just be a ploy to get that one thing (sex) and dip! Be mindful and diligent with your time, mind, and spirit.
4. Disregards the terms of the dating agreement
When I say, “dating agreement”, I don’t mean that there was literally a contract written up and signed by the two of you. I mean that there were things that you made known to the guy you are dating that he agreed to. For instance, if like in the last red flag, you have explicitly told him you would prefer not discussing sex and he agreed to it, but for some reason continued to do so, that is a red flag. He has consciously decided that what you want does not matter, to some extent, and he does not keep his word.
During the dating process, you will have conversations that will discuss the things you like or dislike. As a suitable mate, it is up to the person you are dating to acknowledge those things. Once acknowledged, there can be some push back and maybe even a little debate about each other’s views and belief systems. However, once you both come to an agreement, then that is what you and your partner should continue to abide by.
Although there are more red flags to consider, above are the 4 that I chose as the top red flags. You know? It can be hard sometimes when dating but it is best to weed out those misfits as soon as possible. Unfortunately, some of us waste so much time because we miss the “Stop” signs in a person! From this day forward, take heed to what you know about yourself and what you want when dating. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge the red flags and act accordingly. You will not regret it!!
With love because love truly workz,
Coach K.
